Interview with Joán (First part)
This is a long and deep interview that gives us a lot of information about the construction of Tran’s identity. It talks about a woman that discovers herself at her 37 years old. Because of the extension, in this first part we only publish issues refer to family and identity.
When did you adopt the identity you have now?
It has three years ago. It happen because I felt personal dissatisfactions and I decided to look for the cause, I thought something was wrong with me. I realize something was not good because I change partners all the time. I had a girl for a while, then I found another one, sometimes I had two at the same time, with few I had family and we had children. I had three real commitments, serious ones, because we had kids. But I always felt dissatisfaction I didn’t know why.
What did you think was the reason of that dissatisfaction?
I was a very complicated person, I want find in someone sexual connection and a strong feeling. I had the idea I was gay and decided to investigate about it. I never like men; I never felt love for men as had gays and bisexuals I knew. But my first contact was with gay community, I like them but they had a love for masculine culture that I didn’t share. So, I realize I was not a homosexual, I was not gay.
I continue searching and I found information about transvestite. Then I didn’t know about transsexuality. I met someone that offer dress services. I went with some concern; they explain how the service of dressing about was. They dress and make up you, something very innocent. After a while I use the service and I enjoyed it. I when with that person every weekend, it was as an addiction. There were other men, strong men that also dressed as women, they said they need that to relax of their family; they were married and had wife and kids. Some of them had sexual relations with other men. I didn’t feel the same as then, I didn’t need to relax and also I didn’t like see those strong men dress as women, they don’t look as women, they look as men dress as women. I went to discos dressed as a woman but then I didn’t like how they dress and make up me, I looked like a drag queen, they put too much make up on me. So, I decided do it myself. At the same time I said to me this is not what I want but how I get away my life, but I knew that will be my peace and happiness. I had not woman at that time but I had responsibilities in my work and with my kids. So I rent a room away from my neighborhood and there I assume I was a transvestite. I bought women’s clothes, normal clothes, something natural. I realize that there my neighbors didn’t say anything, I felt accepted. I continue searching information and appear one person in public: Fiorella Cava (01) and she talk about transsexuality. So I ask myself about transsexuality and investigate about it. I knew be a transsexual means live as a woman 24 hours a day, be a woman, think as a woman, work as a woman and not be a moment a man and in another moment a woman. I don’t have anything against men but I didn’t recognize my self as one of them. I talk with Fiorella in person then I talk with you, because it was very important to me find those models. I want to be as you and Fiorella, a person that in public is a woman and I find many of them, I join to their group, all were younger than me but for me that is not a problem. So, after that I decided to talk with my family, my clients, and my workers and tell them what I was. I decided in that moment be transsexual because that was what I want, nobody made a diagnosis to tell me what I was, I assume myself and I recognize myself.
In this investigation you had to define identities, how did you know what was the one you want?
Well, I understand a gay is a man that assume is a man that want to be a man he like him as a man and like other men. I do not like me as a man, I do not assume I am a man, I consider that is a biological matter, I born like that but I didn’t recognize in masculinity. Transvestites are men, some assume they are men and some assume being women but they had his penis and use it, something that I do not do, that is why I identify with transsexual community. Transsexuals, before operation, had a penis but we even look, use or touch it. Transgender are very like us but some don’t want to be operated. I had pass for many surgeries and soon I going to had a sex reasignation.
Until you had 37 year old always was ok? Don’t you make any question to yourself when you were a child for example?
No, I didn’t remember in my childhood or my adolescent question my masculine role. But, since many people ask me this I remember that when I was a child, I was six or seven years old, I like a lot Rafael (02) and my aunts were worry about that so they said my uncle to talk with me. My uncle ask me why I like Rafael and make me understand that women like men and men do not like men, they should like women.
So, that was your first rule about your masculine role.
Yes, I was a child I fix that information. After that I had always present what I could do and what I couldn’t do as a man. Then, when I was 17 years old I like run in the morning because near my house was a school and I could see all the girls that arrived. I like be seeing by girls and became popular. Once my uncle said to me that the short I used to run was very short and looked like a women’s short. So, his opinion was so important to me that I change my short for one longer. That is why I think I had been taught how to act. I drunk a lot, I fight a lot; I had with all the girls I could. When I was an adult I tried to had money, to be good at business, I did all what a man had to do. The idea was that is more a man which had more women, more man who drink more, more man who had more money, more man who had a car, more man who had more money.
Why your uncle had so much influence on you didn’t was your father?
My father was not present in my life. But my uncle was not replacing my father, that was my grandfather who paid my education, my food, but my uncle was very kind with me, he was very love for all children and family. I always went with him to his meetings with friends. I saw him when he was drunk but nothing bad happen to me. Everybody knows I was his nephew but he likes I said dad to him and I get used to do it. Now we didn’t talk each other, he is incapable to understand my decision, he is ashamed on me. But I independent and a professional, I don’t have any sexual prejudice and I don’t care what he think.
What allow you to break down with your uncle, break down with the role you had?
I think is that when I decided tell everybody about my new identity I had like four months before to convince me that was what I want, I lived as a woman and I felt happy. I want to be a man again, once you know your truth you don’t want the lie anymore.
There are some aspects that are always confuse, difference between gender identity and sexual orientation, because your sexual orientation never change
Well, at the beginning, know I had a doubt. I had a relationship with a woman, I love her very much, we share our life, we had a deep friendship but I’m very excited with a man. I also think about this, I think this could never happen me before.
Part of the prohibition you heritage was being heterosexual and now you are questioned not only your identity also your sexual orientation.
At the beginning when I assume as transsexual I didn’t find anything in a man that I like it. I didn’t like men; I didn’t like something beautiful in them. I only see beauty in a women’s body. Also I find something psychologistic in women, kindness, I feel calm and happy only see them. On the contrary see a man didn’t make me feel anything until I meet M, only with see him I feel inspire.
What difficulties do you had to assume your new identity?
I do not have any difficulties. I just talk with the others I didn’t try to convince them about anything because I am independent. For example, with my workers, my collaborators, I give them the choice to look another job. I talk with each one and said I was find myself that I was a woman and I had been lived deluded, that I was not a man and I will fix that error.
But don’t you have a life before, don’t you have a plain sexual life with your couples and had kids?
Yes, I had four kids. My first relationship was when I was 17 or 18 years old, I was with a girl I loved a lot. We run away from Trujillo to Lima. We lived here, she was older than me, here I worked in a restaurant as a waitress, and I do not have any future. She was rich; her family had money so she leaves me when she was pregnant. I get depressed, I wanted to die but God had a plan for me. I recovered and started to work; I improved in my work and found another girl. I loved her but anyway I had other women. She knew and suffers a lot for that cause. One of the other women get pregnant I told my partner that, I told her I loved her and don’t want to loose her love. So she asks me to broken down with the other and gives her money for the body. So I made myself responsible for the baby but we did not have any relation anymore. But once I slept with this girl again and my partner knew and she broke down with me. We separated and I was with many women but without having kids. And then I realize I didn’t feel good being a man anymore. A psychologist ask me if I was sure about that and I said no but now I feel very pleased with my life I did not miss being a man.
Some days ago I saw my mother, she visited me, and we had a very bad relationship. I told her I feel much happier than in my past. I feel better in the last three years when I started to be a woman than in the rest of my life. If I died in this moment I went very happy. I feel very good with all the girls I being with, they are now my friends and they got surprise with my change but then everything is ok.
And what about your kids?
Majority take very good. My oldest daughter take it very natural. My oldest son cried a lot but then he accepted and know is my friend. Before that we had a bad relationship but know we are friends. My second son, my third kid, at the beginning didn’t say anything but then he rejects me. We talk and know he is ok with my decision. The last one her mother don’t want she sees me as a woman. Her mother thinks I need a psychiatric but then she understands. But she think the girls is too little I tried to explain her tell the truth is the best but she don’t want to.
Your mother knows and she is ok with this?
Yes, my mother knows very few months ago. My father no, I didn’t see him since I was three years old. I don’t know anything about him and he didn’t know about me. I don’t care. My mother knew for weeks ago. I hadn’t seen her for four years and she come. At the beginning she didn’t recognized me but then she wasn’t surprised, she said I looked very beautiful and if that make me happy it is ok with her.
Joán Tincopa Langle is an activist, is member of Trans Collective “Claveles Rojos” and Center of Identity and Sexuality New Existence (Centro de Identidad y Sexualidad Nueva Existencia, Cisne). She is also scientific and technologic in biological development.
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Reference:
(01)
Fiorella Cava was part of a peruvian rock group named Jas when she was youg and had a man identity.
(02) Rafael is a famous Spain singer.
